Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Husband retreats to his kids rooms with them when we get in an argument...?

We are a stepfamily and when my husband and I have a heated issue, he always goes to his two kids (14 and 15)and hangs out with them in their rooms - like to get away from me and he knows that I won't interrupt them... Is he being a pansy hiding from me? We have been married almost two years. I am happy when he spends time with his kids, it just feels like when he is mad at me, he is making sure I know they are his safety zone (you know, kids are there forever and wives come and go etc...) It makes me feel like crap! I feel dispensible and it hurts...

Any ideas would be great.

I have two kids that live with us too...

Husband retreats to his kids rooms with them when we get in an argument...?
Is he going in the kids room so that you will stop arguing? Possibly he believes you shouldn't be arguing when they are around?

Why are you issue resulting in something heated? Maybe you should bring up these "heated issues" when the children are not home.
Reply:sometimes we as men get to the point that when we get mad enough we will feel like hiting something. It of course is never ok to hit a women so we need to remove ourselves from the situation. Give him space. manly is that to hide behind his two kids because he doesn't have the fur balls to stand on his own........

Makes you wonder about the quality of man he is, doesn't it?
Reply:Why argue.If its so bad that he has to run away maybe that should be addressed.Some times arguing can be a sign of being unhappy by both partners .Think about it.
Reply:Idea #1...leave him alone and let him cool cool off at the same time. Obviously, this guy does not like to argue..count your blessings. After you both are cool, then discuss, not argue what the problem is, how to solve it, and move from there. You have NO problem except he does NOT settle things like you do...accept this, he is not going to change, but you can. Good luck

He is NOT a pansy, he is simply ducking a fight that serves NO purpose except to cause resentment. Be glad he is like this, for you need to learn to discuss, not argue. I also suspect that your idea of arguing is perhaps NOT what you pass may be yelling without realizing it. NO ONE can reason with a person who is yelling.
Reply:Maybe he just doesn't want things to get to heated in front of the kids. If that is the case, I completely understand and that's the best thing to do.

As far as "kids are forever and wives come and go"...he's obviously been hurt before. However, if wives aren't forever, what the hell did he get married again for? Just because the 1st one didn't work out, doesn't mean that the 2 of you can't be 80 years old together, sipping coffee on your front porch. Sounds like you may be dealing with some communication and expectation issues.
Reply:tit for tat. you retreat to the room with your own two kids too, or are you just the type that likes to draggggg an argument out till everyones throat is parched ??
Reply:Women are scary and mean...especially wives!!!!!!! I go to the basement and hide. My wife likes to argue and yell all the time and I am not like that. Maybe you yell at him too much.
Reply:Maybe he goes in there to cool off because if he went somewhere else you might follow him around the house still arguing. It could be that he knows his temper and that is his way of diffusing the situation. I think you are overreacting. Give him his space and wait until he has cooled off and calmly tell him how you feel.
Reply:He is a pansy that is hiding behind his kids....

Kind of makes you wonder if he is not in their room making you out to be the bad guy...

Talk to him.. Tell him what a jacka** you think he is for hiding behind his kids.. I can't imagine the tension he must cause with his kids when he does something like that...
Reply:This is such a familiar situation for me. It used to make me feel awful about myself too - like I was disposable. My fiance (we've been together for 10 years now), used to pick up his son and his step-daughter (step-daughter is from his ex-wife's previous relationship) every time we argued and disappeared for however long he chose to. The only thing I did was talk to him about it when we weren't arguing and let him know exactly how it made me feel with complete understanding of why he did it (and expressing this) so he didn't feel like I was trying to say he was wrong for hanging with his kids. I remember repeating my feelings to him more than once...because although he understood my feelings on it, he had a difficult time breaking the "habit". I also tried to change the way we argued. It helps to have resolution in mind when arguing so I'm not just telling him what's making me mad, I'm also suggesting how we can solve the problem, together.

It's a lot of work...but he hasn't took off with his kids in years. I think the first 3 - 5 years was the most challenging times. Strengthen your communication with your husband. Make sure when you run into a problem with him, you don't make him feel defensive and explain how things make you feel because this is new to him too, and what may seem like an obvious thing to you, it may not be so, for him. :)
Reply:You want too play the domination game? Repeal the rule against hitting women, then when you fems get hysterical and stupid men will punch your lights out. Whine, b**ch and complain do not like too get hit, too stupid too act like intelligent adults, thank you for the reminder of why there is not a female in this house.
Reply:Interesting you only provided half information.

If you watch some Dr Phil, he advocates someone to retreat as "hero" instead of butting heads until both sides have blood on their face. If you wanted him to stay and fight for a win/lose outcome, then his retreat was actually a wiser choice even though you were trying to make him a pansy. In a heated argument, there is no rationale and negotiation, both sides use emotions and nobody wants to back down. The third option is not to engage.

Your lesson. The way you described it, you are a nasty fighter because "you feel like crap -----". It means you fight to dispense your emotions and not to resolve issues. YOu have to learn to "fight" better. I actually think your husband didn't want to deal with that ugly side of you.
Reply:What a mommy boy he runs to his kids instead of working out issues the 2 of you have in the relationship. I wouldn't put up with that noway in hell next time he runs to the kids room i would run to the bedroom of a real man.

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